The End
by someone444
Summary: Radioactive cupcakes, truth or dare, and Harry's worst nightmare. 1776% crack.


Neville was sitting on a flowery pink blanket, floating in the sky. Luna handed him some trail mix from their picnic basket.

Then, a winged cat flew past them. Neville was so surprised that he dropped an almond.

He crawled to the edge of the blanket and gazed down wistfully after his lost almond.

"Don't worry, it's not littering. The Crumple-horned Snorkack will eat it," Luna said calmly.

* * *

"These amazing CDs will change your life! Even if you drop them off a cliff, they will magically sprout wings and fly back to you!"

"We don't want the bloody CDs," Harry cried, and a rainbow spouted from his tears.

"I don't know what a bloody CD is but I want it!" Ron says. "Harry, don't be mean to him! He's gonna give us CDs."

"Alright! This here is ten million galleons with a shipping fee of a hundred newts!" the salesman exclaimed happily.

"Really, Ron? We don't even have a CD player," Hermione said, and kicked him in the eye.

"Oi, no one told me we-"

The three heard a crashing noise and turned to see the salesman had fallen to the grass.

"Oi, what happened?" Ron asked.

"He got hit on his head by an almond," Harry said, and bent over to poke the salesman in the head.

"You reckon he's still alive?" Ron asked.

Harry stabbed him. "Nope, he's definitely dead," he announced grimly, throwing the knife over his shoulder into a nearby tree.

"Oh, it's Hedwig," Hermione said, and pointed to a blur in the sky. "Look."

"How the bloody hell can you tell what that _dot_ is?" Ron asked.

Hedwig increased her speed, picked up the corpse, and flew away into the sunset. "I'll clean up this mess for you!" she said, but she had human in her mouth so it sounded like, "I'll miss you!"

"Where're you going?" Ron called after the bird, but to no avail. She was already too far away.

"Snape has been watching us," Hermione said.

"Indeed," Snape said, and stepped out from under the shadow of a nearby tree. "How did that pig - I mean, corpse - die?"

"MY BOYFRIEND GOT HIT ON THE HEAD BY AN ALMOND!" Harry screamed, and ran over, latching onto Snape's billowing cape.

Harry started to bawl, soaking Snape's clothing in bloody tears.

Ron fainted, so Snape walked over and stepped on him, grinning to himself with a grim satisfaction.

Ron's skull broke.

* * *

Something shined in the grass, so Hermione approached it. The something was a CD - it must have been dropped by the peculiar salesman.

She picked it up and squinted at the writing.

 _Truth or dare, shitface._

* * *

Harry snuck up on Draco, bloody tears still streaming out of his eye sockets. He dashed up and yanked a handkerchief out of his pocket.

He dried his eyes and threw the handkerchief behind his back, where it hit Draco in the eyes, making it look like _he_ was the one crying.

"First things first," Hermione said grimly. "We have to wake up Ron."

Harry pulled out a giant, nail-embedded baseball bat from his pocket and grinned. "I have just the thing," he said.

"Here, let me do that," Hermione said, and snatched the bat from his hands.

Hermione raised the bat and brought it down, bashing Ron on the head.

Ron's head squished down and rolled off with a sickening "pop!"

"Well _that_ worked perfectly," Harry said sarcastically. "How about something a little nicer?"

"Oh, yes," Hermione agreed. "I have just the thing."

She pulled out her wand. "Accio, Professor Snape's cupcakes!"

The cupcakes that zoomed over were sickeningly pink and had frosting hearts all over.

"Perfect!" Harry shouted. "Let's have him eat these!"

Then, he picked a cupcake and shoved it into Ron's mouth.

* * *

Professor Snape's cupcakes were, as it turned out, _radioactive._ Ron's cupcake crumbled when Harry forced it into his mouth, revealing a glowing neon pink inside that ate away at Ron's mouth.

They were also acidic, apparently.

"Uhm…" Hermione said, eyeing the other cupcakes wearily.

"D'you reckon the cupcakes will blow up?" Harry asked.

"Of course not," Hermione answered primly. "But, just to be sure, let's give these cupcakes to Draco so they can explode in _his_ face."

"I volunteer as tribute!" Harry cheered.

* * *

Harry stared at the Slytherin common room passage.

"I don't have the password," he realized, and narrowed his eyes. "But I bet I can guess."

"Radioactive cupcakes!" he shouted at the door, but only received silence.

"Damn it," he said. "Well, hard times call for drastic measures."

He pulled a sword out of his shirt.

"Wall, I will defeat you!"

* * *

The sword broke ten times, but Harry finally managed to win. He dug a tunnel all the way into Draco's dormitory!

Harry tiptoed to Draco's nightstand, where a box of cupcakes sat. They were all red and the box had writing on it.

 _Real Cannibal Cupcakes! An amazing sweet taste with_ real _human in them!_

Harry didn't even blink at the label. The wizarding world was full to the brim with so many surprise and oddities, so he wasn't really surprised.

Cannibal Cupcakes were _nothing_ compared to _using parchment._

Harry swiped all the Cannibal Cupcakes and left Snape's radioactive pink ones in their place.

* * *

Harry showed Hermione his findings. "Reckon these will work?"

"Cannibal Cupcakes?" Hermione asked. "Where did you get _these?_ Their business went bankrupt _ten years_ ago."

"Draco had them," Harry said.

Then he shoved the cupcakes into Ron's ear.

Hermione deadpanned.

* * *

Harry stared forlornly at Ron's head. "He was such a great friend," he whispered. "I swear, we won't give up on you!" Then he screamed. "WHY WON'T ANYTHING WORK?!"

"This calls for extreme measures," Hermione said, closing her eyes solemnly.

"HEMP TIME!" she screeched, pulling out a bunch of pills and stuffing them into Ron's mouth.

Nothing happened, but Harry thinks a unicorn flew over Hermione's head while she was laughing.

* * *

They both stared at Ron's corpse forlornly.

"Such a great friend," they murmured in sync, "lost to such a horrible tragedy."

Then, they jumped up at the exact same time. "I've got it!" they exclaimed together. "The cure that will definitely work, no matter what!"

At the same time, they yelled, "We'll bash his head in with an iron pole!"

Harry pulled a pole out of his magical lightning scar and handed it to Hermione.

"If you would, your majesty," he said, bowing.

Hermione brought the pole down on Ron's head.

* * *

"I can't believe it's not butter," Harry said.

" _I_ can't believe it _didn't work_ ," Hermione said, the pole already tossed into a nearby tree.

"Wait," Harry said. "He's sleeping, right?"

Hermione nodded.

Harry snapped his fingers. "In that case, I know exactly what to do!" He crawled over to Ron, lowering his head so that his mouth was next to Ron's ear, and took a deep breath.

"I'M THE HERO!" he screeched.

"Nope," Hermione said.

* * *

Harry brought a steaming hot cup of tea outside. "He's sleeping," he said, "so we should act as if he is and do what any sane person would normally do to wake someone up."

"Of course," Hermione said. "Why didn't I think of that before? We'll-"

Harry dumped the tea on Ron's bloody head. "Pour it on his head," he finished.

Hermione blinked. "No, actually. I was thinking that, um-" She cleared her throat. "Bring me all the tea you can find! _Barrels_ of it! I know exactly what to do!"

"Yes, sir!"

* * *

Harry finally managed to find barrels of tea all the way in Antarctica, and returned to find that Hermione had put ashes on her face.

She took a barrel from him, hefting it up. Harry waited for her to drop them on Ron's head, but instead, she threw it into the Great Lake.

"FOR AMERICA!" she screeched, throwing in the barrels one after another until there were none left.

"What was that supposed to do?" Harry asked. "I thought we were trying to wake Ron, not the _Lake._ The Lake isn't even sentient."

The Great Lake sneezed.

"I've been teaching him about history," Hermione said. "I reenacted the Boston Tea Party, so he should half-recognize it and try to remember. Then, the strenuous mental activity will cause him to wake up!"

"Right," Harry said.

They sat in silence for a few hours but Ron didn't stir.

"It's taking an awful long time for him to remember about some dumb tea party," Harry commented.

"It's not working," Hermione said, and closed her eyes solemnly.

Suddenly, she jumped up, putting her hand over her heart. "This calls for very, _very_ drastic measures!" she cried. "I will use an ancient cure-all coming straight from America himself! Behold, the ultimate hero medicine! Accio hamburger!"

A hamburger flew to her hand and she set it gently on Ron's forehead.

"It's not working," Harry observed.

"What's a cold?" Hermione asked suddenly.

"What?"

"What indeed," Dumbledore said, appearing out of nowhere. (Actually, he appeared out of a nearby tree, but Harry and Hermione didn't know that.) "What happened to Ron?"

Harry didn't know exactly, so he answered cheerfully, "A magical oar came to life and killed Ron, so we're trying to save him."

Hermione stifled a laugh and Dumbledore nodded sagely. "If that's so, then let me tell you about an ancient cure. This cure is detailed in a Muggle fairy tale, actually - Little Red Riding Hood. The princess - which, in this case, is Ron - must be kissed by her prince. Do with that what you will."

Then he walked off bravely, robes billowing behind him and eyes twinkling dramatically.

"Is he a bit mad?" Harry asked Hermione, watching Dumbledore walk off into the distance.

Hermione didn't reply, glaring angrily after Dumbledore's retreating figure. Once he had disappeared into the horizon, she started screaming.

"HOW BLOODY DARE HE?! HE _DARE_ MIX UP THINGS LIKE THAT? HOW CAN HE SMILE AND SAY THAT HE LIKES MUGGLES IF HE MAKES A MISTAKE LIKE THAT? I'M GONNA BLOODY KILL THAT GIT, JUST WATCH ME!"

"Aww, is the poor little Mudblood mad?" Draco asked, sticking out of a nearby tree. "Poor stupid little Mudblood, being an idiot."

"I've got it!" Hermione whispered. She looked up at Draco and pointed up at him. "You're gonna save Ron," she yelled, "even if it kills you!"

"What?" Draco said, but he didn't get to say anymore because Hermione seized him and yanked him down from the tree. He collapsed into a broken pile on the grass, but he didn't even get to recover before Hermione started dragging him to Ron's bloody corpse.

"Is Weasley _dead?_ " Draco asked, somewhat proudly. "I thought I'd never see the d- OUcH!"

Hermione had slammed his head down so that his lips met Ron's and they were kissing.

Draco scrambled away. "HOW DARE YOU, MUDBLOOD? I'M TELLING MY FATHER ABOUT THIS!"

Ron started to glow and the three of them watched in amazement as his head reattached to the rest of his corpse. Then all the blood disappeared and the next second, Ron was perfectly fine.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Draco screeches, running away. "SNAPE, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Ron snickered. "Geez, what's _his_ problem?"

Harry and Hermione burst out laughing.

* * *

Once the three all came back to their senses, Hermione took out a CD.

"I found this. I think it's the reincarnation of the salesman, because I found it when he died."

Ron snatched it and read out the writing. "Truth or dare, shitface."

"What?" Harry asked, and read the CD for himself. "Shitface? He was trying to sell us _this?_ "

An unicorn neighed in response.

"What's 'truth or dare' supposed to mean, anyways?" Ron asked.

"It's a game," Hermione said primly, and launched into a lecture detailing truth or dare, how to play, its history, and the statistics of how many people died while playing.

Harry Potter fell asleep before she even started talking.

* * *

Harry awoke to a brightly smiling Ron. Ron turned to him, beamed wider, and called, "Listen to what Hermione taught me!"

He then proceeded to list a thousand digits of pi, all correctly.

Harry was in so much shock that he thought he was going to die.

His amazing record of one digit of pi was bested by _Ron?_

Harry screamed.

"MUFFINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

* * *

"What's wrong, mate?" Ron asked, holding Harry's hand worriedly. "You sounded like you were having a really bad nightmare."

" _I was,_ " Harry says grimly. "It was worse than seeing a dementor. Worse than any of my other previous nightmares, actually."

"Ouch," Ron offered.

"Ouch, indeed," Harry repeated grimly.

"If you're done being dramatic, I think we should play Truth or Dare!" Hermione announced.

A bird fell out a tree and died of shock.

" _You?_ Think we should play a game?" Ron asked in awe. "Harry, I think the world is ending."

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

"Truth or dare?" Harry asked Ron.

"Dare!" Ron exclaimed. "I've never played before, so make it something super interesting!"

"Interesting, huh?" Harry asked. "Let me think," he said.

 _One year later…_

"I've got it!" Harry said. "Ron, I dare you to teach history. And since you want interesting, make it more interesting than Professor Binns!"

"That'll be easy!"

* * *

Ron got permission and Dumbledore even came along to watch, shiny teardrops pouring out of his eyes.

Ron stood on Professor Binns desk. "Ahem. I'm your teacher for the day. Any questions?" Draco's hand shot up. "No? Then let's start."

Ron cleared his throat. "The US - you know, the country across that ocean thing that's super giant? Yeah, well he-" He corrected himself. "I mean, _it_ \- stop bloody laughing, Harry! Yeah, well the US was under Britain's mentorship and…" His eyes darkened. "Well, the US didn't think Britain was a very good father."

He stared grimly out the open window, wind blowing his hair ominously.

Ron stayed there for 15 minutes and Harry fell asleep.

"Weasel," Draco said sharply. "Stop wasting our time."

"Yeah, well, the only reason America didn't think England was a good father was because he wanted to be his boyfriend instead! Because USUK is totally canon and stuff!"

Hermione coughed. "Don't you like Asakiku better?" she whispered. "Ron, you traitor! I was the one to introduce you in the first place, how can you be going against me like this?"

Harry had no idea what they were saying.

...It wasn't because he didn't know what they were talking about, though. It was because he was asleep, like the majority of the class was.

...If he was awake, he definitely would have screamed "FrUK!" at them.

"Weasel," Draco said again. "Why are you talking about _America?_ More than that, why are you talking about _muggle_ stuff? Keep it up and I'm telling my father about this."

"Well, Hermione taught me lots of history," Ron said proudly. "Battle of Britain, Hundred Years' War, stuff like that. But all that _really_ stood out," he said dramatically, holding a hand over his heart, "was the tragic Special Relationship! In other words, USUK! Ah, wasn't the American Revolution so tragic?"

Then he proceeded to list out thousands of digits of pi.

* * *

One hour later, and Ron finally noticed that his class had completely fallen asleep.

* * *

"Good job failing!" Harry said, and clapped Ron on the back. "I've never seen the _whole class_ fall asleep before!"

Ron bawled.

"What could you possibly do to even do to bore _Hermione?_ " Harry asked, laughing.

"I listed out lots and lots of digits of pi," Ron answered proudly.

"MUFFINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Harry screamed, and fainted.

* * *

"What's wrong, mate?" Ron asked as Harry blearily came back to his senses.

"...My worst… nightmare," he said. He stared up blankly. "Please, Ron…" he said.

"Yeah?" Ron said anxiously.

"Before I die, please tell Hermione…" Harry closed his eyes. "For truth or dare, I dare her to… relax…."

And then Harry Potter, the Chosen One, died of shock.

* * *

"Relax?" Hermione asked. "Oh, I can _relax._ "

She dragged a futon into the Gryffindor common room. Then, she sat down and read while casually sipping orange juice out of a fancy teacup.

"It's a miracle," Ron whispered in awe.

It was so miraculous that Harry was resurrected.

* * *

"Harry, truth or dare?"

"Dare," he answered.

"I dare you to tell us a sad story," Hermione said. "I could really do for some angst right now. Everyone keeps on coming back to life and it's not interesting enough."

"I've got just the thing," Harry said, and proceeded to read all the Harry Potter books.

But then, at the end of the last book, he added, "But in the end, nothing was well. Two days later, Ron Weasley stepped on a radioactive cupcake."

Hermione burst out laughing while Ron blinked in confusion.

* * *

"From now on, let's all do truth!" Ron declared. "Someone, ask me a question!"

"Right." Harry cleared his throat. "How does a car work?"

Ron spluttered. "W-what?"

"Do you not know?" Harry asked slyly.

Hermione rolled her eyes and pet a random pink unicorn that was sitting in a nearby tree.

"Of course! It uses a motor! The motor is powered by friendship, so the muggles compliment each other and then the car moves!"

"What?" Hermione asked, and then both she and Harry burst into hysterical, psychotic laughter.

"Friendship!" Hermione screeched, hitting the grass. "Cars are powered by _friendship!_ I've never heard something more ridiculous in my whole _life!_ "

Ron's ears turned red and he screeched something like, "Well- Twilight Sparkle! Agh!"

" _What?_ " Harry asked, laughing even harder.

Ron froze, his face paling in horror.

In a monotone, he spoke. "You can't Google things in 1942, you asshat."

And then Ron turned into stone and died.

* * *

Harry poked Ron's dead body. "He's dead for real this time, huh?" He sighed. "Oh well. Truth or dare? I mean truth, obviously, we're all doing that. Who do you love the most?"

Hermione beamed and glowed, a rainbow made out of flags shining behind her. "Of course, Queen Elizabeth II!"

" _Really?_ " Harry asked.

"Of course!" Hermione said, but then frowned. "Well… The truth is…"

"Yeah?"

"I HAVE A CRUSH ON HOGWARTS!" she screeched. "It's such a shame that Dumbledore is its headmaster. The poor thing…"

She then proceeded to rant about how horrible Dumbledore was for the next ten hours.

* * *

Harry covered his ears and screamed internally.

He crawled up to Snape. "Please…" he said hoarsely. "Kill Dumbledore… I can't… take this… anymore…."

"I'm not going to do anything for you," Snape said, and walked off.

Harry collapsed into a dead faint.

* * *

When Harry woke up, he almost expected to see Ron. But instead, there was a demon.

He must have died, and now he's going to Hell.

...Just kidding, Hermione was sitting next to him.

"Ready to continue?" she asked. "What do you regret the most?"

Harry took a deep breath in. It hurts to remember, why does Hermione have to ask such a dark question? "What I regret most…" he said, "...was killing a cricket."

Crickets chirped and Hermione blinked before Harry started wailing.

"IT WAS INNOCENT! IT DIDN'T DESERVE TO DIE! I MUST GRIEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

Snape was completely dunked in purple paint.

Hermione blinked rapidly. "...Professor, why are you purple?"

Snape beamed and Harry blanched at the out of character action. "Dumbledore's secret muffin storage was out of pink frosting."

"But why did you cover yourself in frosting at all?"

"Don't you like, know?" Snape asked, and flipped his hair. "Teacher's gone, party's on! By that, I mean that loser like, Dumbwhore is gone, so we can finally be happy!"

"...You actually killed him," Harry said.

Hermione screamed happily. "HOGWARTS, YOU'RE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

* * *

McGonagall was the new headmistress since Dumbledore died, and rule pamphlets were handed to everyone at breakfast.

 _Be a cat._

 _Worship cats._

 _Pray to the cat god._

And finally, the worst of all, it read:

 _4\. Every morning, at exactly 17:76 PM, spin in a circle, cut your arm off, throw it out the window, and scream "IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT AMERICA YOU IDIOT!" at the grass._

 _FAILURE TO COMPLY RESULTS IN EXPULSION FROM HOGWARTS._

The students of Hogwarts simultaneously erupted in horrified screaming.

* * *

"Humans really are idiots," Hedwig murmured. Pigwidgeon hopped obediently after her as she made her way to the Great Hall.

Effortlessly, she stole Harry's wand, and then made her way to the Astronomy Tower, where she would conduct her ultimate spell and end all of the ridiculous idiocy.

"Hyper gore flying squirrel stick disappear-y genius!" she chanted, and Voldemort appeared, decked out in a pink tutu.

"How much power do you have?" Hedwig asked.

"I have received the blessing of the unicorn brownie dragon gnome troll fairy phoenix flying mint bunny," Voldemort announced gravely. "I can do anything."

"You know what to do," Hedwig said.

And Voldemort blew up the whole universe.

All that was left was a CD. But it wasn't the one Hermione found, it was another one. This one read:

THE END, SHITFACE


End file.
